“The Royal Baby Is More Important Than You“ And Other Celebrity News No One Cares About

The royalist of all royal entered the world this week in the form of a screaming, slimy tiny person who is worth more than our all of our lives combined.

Yes, Kate Middleton and Prince William are royal parents. They are also very royal! And royal. I heard that all Kate had to do during labor was take one big breath, and the tiny bundle of royalty slid out on a golden slide into a pile of cupcakes and sunshine.

But then I heard that when Kate felt her first contraction, she snapped her fingers, and two Snuggle bears floated down from the heavens carrying her new bundle of joy in a towel made of diamonds. However, these rumors have not been confirmed.

AS IF anything could top this news (just ask CNN, the Washington Post, the New York Times or any other major news outlet who forgot to cover the rest of the world’s happenings on Monday), here’s what else is happening in celeb news this week:

• Kate and William’s baby was born at 4:24 p.m., weighing 8 pounds, 6 ounces and is third in line for the throne.
• Kate and William’s baby’s gender has been revealed! It’s the opposite of a girl (a boy).
• Kate and William’s baby will be named George Alexander Louis, which is a great name for when he’s 7 years old but wants to feel 70 years old.
• Six British kings have been named George, including Colin Firth, er, George VI, who battled a speech impediment and starred in The King’s Speech. No wait that was Colin Firth.
• Baby George made an appearance on Tuesday, in case you missed it. So did Prince William’s bald spot, HEY-O.
• Kate wore a polka dot dress and crashed a website.
• According to sources, Kate and William “could not be happier.”
• Princess Diana would have been proud.
• Oh, and Jimmy Fallon welcomed a baby girl on Tuesday. LIKE ANYONE EVEN CARES.