There were two lawsuits reportedly filed against Kim Kardashian last week with accusations so wicked and depraved that the complaining gentlemen come off as if they’ve been huffing bath salts.

It’s being reported that the first of these ridiculously absurd-sounding grievances claims that Kim, her ex-husband Kris Humphries, and his current girlfriend kidnapped a Philadelphia man, held him at gunpoint, and forced him to watch the three of them make a sex tape in their hotel room, which incidentally was filled with “sheep, two goats and a unicorn.” Actually, we did our best to believe every word of this up until this lunatic pulled the unicorn card.

From here, it just gets too trippy for comfort. The plaintiff, Jonathan Kimberly, claims that on the night in question while staying at a hotel, a bunch of insidious sounds from the Kardashian room next door awakened him. After peaking into their room through a peephole, he allegedly witnessed Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries and Myla Sinanaj engaged in making a sex tape while Myla was “bobbing her head up and down with a voodoo doll wrapped in rosary beads gripped firmly in her hand.” The only thing missing here is a couple of Lassa witch doctors stroking the carcass of a dodo bird.

In an apparently separate matter altogether, a Brooklyn man named Gino Romano is claiming he “stumbled upon” Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Kris Jenner, Bruce Jenner, Khloe Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian at an Al Qaeda training camp in the West Virginia mountainside where Kanye performed a concert for the terrorists during an American flag burning. No way Bruce Jenner would be a part of burning the flag – the guy was on a box of Wheaties for Pete’s sake!

Some believe a man by the name of Jonathan Lee Riches filed both of these lawsuits under the pseudonyms Romano and Kimberly, while some of us chose to believe that the accusations are 100 percent true. After all, nothing cures a society of bores quite like farm animal sex cults, public beheadings and celebrity orgies just for kicks.