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What Would Jack Do if We Had Karen Klein’s Money?

Jack would like to say, first and foremost, that his heart goes out to Karen Klein. We can neither confirm nor deny this, but there might have been some bullying in Jack’s past as well. What other explanation could there be for Jack being a total jack-butt?

An unknown number of people around the world have donated up to $664,000 to Klein in the hopes of her retiring early and spending the rest of her life on a beach in Mexico. Klein believes that she will donate some of the money and buy her grandchildren cars.

But Jack has a much better idea for that wad of dough. Now if only we could get Klein on the phone and explain how we’re her long lost grandchild that she never knew about…

1. Spend a weekend on Mt. Kilimanjaro eating ice cream.

For a meer $85,000, Klein and a friend can enjoy a first-class flight to Mt. Kilimanjaro, stay in a five-star hotel, and have a guided climb up the mountain. What for? To raise awareness for the dissolving glaciers in the area. On top of that, the Three Twin’s Ice Cream founder will churn ice cream for her on the spot and she will leave with a free organic t-shirt! We can’t think of a better cause to waste that much money on.

2. Become the favorite grandma on Christmas.

Because Klein insists on sharing her money with her grandkids, we suggest she splurge and buy them a $15,000 edible gingerbread house for Christmas. It would probably take about 20 people to eat this life-size playhouse. It requires 318 pounds of gingerbread and 517 pounds of icing! Have the famous candy creators at Dylan’s Candy Bar make it, and Grandma Klein won’t have to spend another Christmas worrying if she bought the right gifts.

3. Season tickets to see the Buffalo Bills.

Rochester is only a 60-minute drive to Buffalo, so we’re going to assume Klein is a Bills fan. And if she isn’t, then we’re going to pretend we didn’t know. If Jack had her money, he would buy those executive suite tickets for him and 10 of his closest friends and family. And because it’s the Bills, that would leave Klein with about $500,000 left to spend. With the money, she should just buy the Bills and rename them the Rochester Manatees or something.

4. Branch out the famous “garbage plate.”

We know it’s possible to get a garbage plate outside of Rochester, but all those Rochester natives claim that a garbage  plate from anywhere besides Nick Tahou’s isn’t the same thing. We get it because we feel the same way about ordering wings in Wisconsin. Jack thinks Klein should buy the rights to Nick Tahou’s garbage plate, then sell it and its ingredients all across America for a hefty profit. Besides the Strong Museum and a garbage plate, we can’t think of any reason someone would go to Rochester in the first place, so they should probably stop hogging that delicious meal.

5. Fund a indie flick.

With $664,000, Klein could easily travel to Hollywood and discover the next big independent film. Everyone knows they only take three weeks to make and cost about $15,000 to produce. Plus, there is always some famous guy — perhaps Ryan Gosling — who would be willing to play a male prostitute raising three kids and taking care of his sick uncle all while managing a cocaine addiction. Roles like that scream Oscar nominee, and after winning, Klein would be rolling in more money then she knows what to do with. Kind of like what she’s doing already.

6. Buy JACK FM and name it KLEIN FM.

We look forward to Klein buying JACK FM and playing what she wants from now on. If you’ve ever been inside our studio, you would realize that it needs a grandma’s touch and lots of money for an interior decorator. We would really like it if she would hire the guy who did J-Lo’s bathroom back in 2008 to do the same thing to our station, which is about the same size as one of J-Lo’s bathrooms.

Contributed by Sara Johnson

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