10 Weird Marriage Laws That Still Exist
Most laws are put into place to help protect the well-being of the public, while maintaining civility throughout the land. Some on-the-books marriage laws, though, appear to be the byproducts of a moment of lunacy, and no matter how much times change, old school ideas and philosophies continue to plague the marriage law books for the sake of posterity – or insanity. Here are 10 that blew our minds:
Arkansas – Husband Can Beat His Wife, But Not More Than Once a Month
Old ball n’ chain been given you some serious lip lately? In Arkansas, gutless jerks can legally smack their women around a little, according to marriage law. Uh…
For some terrible reason, there is still an outdated and seriously disturbing law on the books that allows husbands in “the Natural State,” to beat the brakes off their wives, just as long as they don’t do it more than once a month.
This bizarre marriage law was put in place back in the 1800s, during a time when wife beating was not only accepted, but encouraged. Prior to 1871, husbands didn’t end up with their faces plastered all over the front page of the local paper for being terrible, abusive cowards. In fact, some idiots still believe wife-beating to be a long-honored “ancient” privilege.
Thankfully, domestic violence laws have since swooped in and ultimately made it a potentially felonious act for any person to lay his or her hands on another person. You hear that ladies? Hands off.
Rhode Island – A Lunatic Marriage Is Null and Void
There are some jaded people in this world that believe that those who attempt marriage are certifiably insane. We have a sneaking suspicion that many of those skeptics just might live in Rhode Island, where it is written in the marriage law books that a union is to be considered invalid if either party is declared an idiot or a lunatic.
It is interesting that the smallest state in the union appears to have the most common sense.
Arizona – Any More Than Two Vibrators In a House Is a Crime
Perhaps frightened that wives would rise up in an electro-orgasmic revolution against the inadequacies of their husband’s minute-man philosophies, there is a marriage law in Arizona that states that any person living in a household containing more than two vibrators can be subject to criminal prosecution.
It seems that a few ultra-conservative lawmakers found out the hard way that their God-given stamina was no match for their wives’ sexual frustration and a couple of AA batteries. Therefore, as part of an extremely insecure “obscenity ordinance,” the vibrator law was passed to ensure citizens just enough mechanical stimulation, without creating a Babylonian climate.
Incidentally, this law gives a whole new meaning to assault (with a) battery.
Iowa – Illegal for Mustached Man to Kiss Women in Public
Unfortunately, mustache rides are frowned upon in most social situations. The state of Iowa must have a real distaste for the hairy-lipped, though, because it is against the law for a man with a flavor saver to even kiss a woman in public.
While the origins of this marital law are sketchy, it is believed that this bizarre piece of legislation served the citizens as blanket protection against those men who dared tickle their wife’s lips anywhere but in the privacy of their own home.
Massachusetts – It Is Against the Law for Women to Be On Top During Sex
Another puritanical law suggests that it is illegal in the state of Massachusetts for a woman to get on top while bumping uglies with her mister — who on earth would ever…
For reasons that are not entirely clear, state lawmakers believed that it is inappropriate for women to saddle up for the occasional ride on the old bologna pony.
Despite the oppression men have suffered by being bound to perform all of the heavy humping in the bedroom, this bizarre law remains on the books to this day. It’s time for a change, friends.
Idaho – Candy Gifts Must Be No less Than 50 Pounds
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates, but the senile old bat conveniently forgot to mention that in Idaho, a husband can get himself in trouble with the law if the poor bastage dares to give his wife a box of candy weighing less than 50 pounds.
Truthfully, most husbands in Idaho would rather pay a fine than risk having a wife that outweighs their cattle.
Nebraska – Anyone With Gonorrhea Can Not Get Married
Let’s say one night after a serious bout of hard drinking you screw-the-pooch by stumbling over to an ex-girlfriends house for a booty call, and in the throes of that neck-biting passion, you mistakenly ask her to marry you, and she accepts.
Now that you’ve sobered up, there is only one way out of this mess – head on over to your local red light district or nearest truck stop, and get yourself a case of something communicable. Then, grab your fiancée and shoot on over to Nebraska to apply for your marriage license. In this part of the Great Plains, no one infected with gonorrhea is allowed to get married.
One thing you have to remember is that even though penicillin and rubber mallets can rid you of the clap, nothing short of death can cure a rotten marriage.
Vermont – Wife Needs a Husband’s Permission to Wear False Teeth
Finally, a marriage law that makes some sense. In Vermont, it is illegal for a wife to wear false teeth without first obtaining permission from her husband.
We believe this law is due to common, man-style knowledge that the perfect woman is only three-foot tall, toothless and has a flat head. Regardless, beggars can’t be choosers, and even a gambling’ man will tell you that one-out-of-three near perfect traits in a woman isn’t too shabby, especially when it comes to the ones you marry.
Just kidding, this is weird.
North Carolina – During Sex, Couples Must Do It in the Missionary Position With Shades Pulled.
If you live in North Carolina, you many want to think twice before giving it to the little woman on the picnic table in your back yard, post-family BBQ. In the Tar Heel state, having sex that isn’t strictly missionary position with the shades pulled down is considered a crime.
This means that if any of your sexual endeavors require a periscope or a can of bug repellant, you might want to take the party indoors.
Oregon – Dirty Talk During Sex Is Illegal
Just off the Antelope Highway No. 293 in Willowdale, Oregon, it is said to be against the law for a husband to talk dirty to his wife while laying the proverbial pipe. What isn’t clear is exactly what level of filth would warrant criminal action.