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The Paul Ryan Calculator Makes You Awesome [PICTURES]

By now most of us know that Paul Ryan, the GOP’s vice presidential candidate, cuts fat like he wants to cut government spending. We know that his abs are as tight and narrow as his views on women’s rights. Some of us even have a hard time remembering if he’s running for office or the cover of GQ.

Yes, Paul Ryan loves him some physical fitness. Aside from his dedication to P90X (which I’m pretty sure is a workout regimen devised by Satan), Paul Ryan also loves to run. Marathons, that is. In fact, he loves them so much that he doesn’t even have to follow the same rules as everyone else.

In a recent interview, Ryan announced that his marathon time was “under three, high twos” and that he had a “two-hour and fifty something” time, which is insanely impressive.

Except that it wasn’t true. At all. Those annoying “fact-checkers” decided to check into Ryan’s time and found out that his time was actually 4:01:25. The thing is, though, four hours is still pretty amazing considering that most of America would probably take something like 48 hours to complete a marathon (with a few stops at McDonald’s in the middle). So, Paul, why lie?

Ryan’s critics are eating up this opportunity to beg the question, “If he lies about something as simple as a marathon time, what else does he lie about?” Perhaps this accusation may be a tad bit of a reach, as Ryan claimed that it was 22 years ago and he literally just forgot his time. Understandable. Maybe he forgot because he was too busy sticking his hands up catfish orifices?

So how can the rest of us normal ol’ peons be as fast as Paul Ryan? If you’ve ever trained for a race and wished you could cut your time by a third without doing any of that awful “going to the gym” or “trying harder” stuff, just plug your marathon time into the Paul Ryan Calculator, and viola!

Here’s an example of my most recent 5K race time with the Paul Ryan enhancement:

Alyssa's 5K Paul Ryan time
Alyssa Kramer

You can basically become an Olympian (or maybe just someone who can keep up with the rest of the runners, if you’re me) with the click of a button! And if you’re a non-runner, here are some other questions I asked the calculator for you (with the help of Photoshop):

Alyssa Kramer credit card Paul Ryan
Alyssa Kramer
Alyssa Kramer Game of Thrones Paul Ryan
Alyssa Kramer
Alyssa Kramer married Paul Ryan
Alyssa Kramer
Alyssa Kramer move out of parents Paul Ryan
Alyssa Kramer
Alyssa Kramer promotion Paul Ryan
Alyssa Kramer

There you go. You are now just a little bit more make-believe awesome in your head — just like Paul Ryan.

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