The Nik Wallenda Drinking Game
If you’re like Jack, there’s no way you’re joining the projected 120,000 spectators at Niagara Falls on Friday to watch Nik Wallenda walk across the Niagara River. Wallenda is walking approximately 173 feet over gorge- yawwwnnnn. We’d rather sit at home with a case of beer and watch this disaster waiting to happen on TV with the rest of the world and we’ve created a drinking game that will get you good and drunk long before Wallenda makes it to the other side. In our opinion, once you see one guy tightrope walk; you’ve seen them all. So break out the booze and thank God you weren’t born into that family of circus freaks, because that could be you.
Rule #1: Take a drink for every 100 feet Wallenda walks.
ABC turned Wallenda’s walk across the falls into a 3 hour television special. The rope he is walking across is 1800 feet long. We did the math and that means you’ll be taking a drink every 6.67 minutes. You’re going to need to in order to get through the commercials.
Rule #2: Drink every time Wallenda looks like he’s losing his balance.
Wallenda is an entertainer, above all else, and we’re on to him. The man is in the business of making money and nothing screams “Donate money to me right now because I might die, and I have a wife and three kids at home!” more then faking losing your balance above Niagara Falls. Hey, we get it, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of for money too.
Rule #3: Drink every time you realize you have zero talent.
The Wallenda family has been tightroping since the 1780’s, and most began discovering their inner circus talents as early as the age of 4. If any time is a good time to get mad at your mom for not encouraging you to keep playing the trombone or taking ballet lessons as a kid- that time is now.
Rule #4: Drink every time the camera gets a shot of Wallenda’s wife, Erendira.
You better believe that when the camera isn’t focusing in on Wallenda, it will be pointed at Erendira, his tightrope walking wife. Take another drink every time she gasps or covers her eyes out of fear for her husband’s safety. I mean, my mom was mad when my dad bought a motorcycle- walking across one of the 7 Wonders of the World though? She would’ve been pissed.
Rule #5: Chug if Wallenda ditches his safety harness.
Because ABC wants this to be a family friendly viewing experience, they are making Wallenda walk the rope with a safety harness. Well he wasn’t happy and mentioned that, if any point the harness made him feel unsafe, he would take it off mid-air and continue the walk. Now that is something we want to see, if not only for the utter confusion when ABC cuts to a commercial break and starts playing a Modern Family rerun.
Rule #6: Drink every time Wallenda looks like he’s going to get blown away.
Wallenda will be facing changing wind directions, an abundance of mist, and risks being attacked by falcons. How did he practice? Eh, he just threw a fan and some water in front of him and walked back and forth on a rope in the Seneca Niagara Casino parking lot. Umm, maybe he’s a fast learner?
Rule #7: Drink every time you hear/say the dord “history.”
This event has been advertised as “history in the making” and you better believe they’re going to play up that angle until they can’t get another drop out of it. So pour some shots and get ready to forget your chance at watching history being made.
Rule #8: Drink every time ABC plugs a new TV show.
This may be Nik Wallenda’s day, but it’s ABC’s money. Expect them to plug their newest TV shows such as the Glass House and Final Witness. And yes, we expect you to drink for every commercial AND scripted plug the commentators throw in there.
Rule #9: Buy a round if you scream like a girl.
This one’s for your friends, because we know there’s an inner 13-year old girl in you dying to squeal when it looks like Wallenda might plunge to his death.
Rule #10: Drink everything in sight if he makes it across.
If/When Wallenda makes it across the falls, get blasted with your friends and then go try to tightrope across something. We’re kidding, please don’t do that. And if you do, don’t tell anyone JACK FM told you to.
Rule #10 (variation): Don’t drink if he doesn’t make it across.
If Wallenda doesn’t make it across, for whatever reason, pour some out for the homies and call it a night.
*Contributed by Sara Johnson