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The Holidays, As I See It

‘Tis the Season

This is my tribute to all who get “geeked up” for the season. Everyone who hosts parties, wraps presents, decorates homes, bakes, cooks and shops. 

The Holidays are a time of being with friends and family.  It is also a time of stressing out, going into debt and creating extra “projects”.  It is almost as if everyone takes on another job without pay.  Between decorating, hosting parties, baking, cooking, shopping, wrapping presents, and traveling it is the most exhausting time of the year-

Mind you, I do none of the following except attend the parties, eat the food and unwrap the gifts that so many friends and family extend out to me.  I appreciate everyone who makes this time of year “special” for bitter people like me. You all are the bright star atop of my Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

But here is how I see it- 

DECORATING:  Even if you finally get through digging out and unpacking all the “stuff”, you have accumulated for this specific time of year without injuring yourself or anyone else… your job has just started.

THE LIGHTS:  Hang lights…I want to hang myself. Never mind untangling them. Or finding the one dead one that kills the whole string,once you finally get them up and plug them you can watch your meter spin faster than that SIT and SPIN you received as a kid.  You know who likes this time of year?  THE ELECTRIC COMPANY! 

THE TREE:  Real or fake everyone busts their humps setting them up.  Whether you need to hunt down missing limbs for the plastic ones or exterminate all the wildlife that is trying to “adjust” to new surroundings with the real ones.  Real trees never stand straight and need constant watering so the big dead plant does not dry up and burn the house down.  Where is the “GO GREEN” initiative when we are killing thousands of trees for a one day celebration?  Do you want the definition of IRONY?  A hybrid vehicle with a pine tree strapped to the roof. AND, What is with that spray on snow?  I do not think the faux snow fools anyone. It is 80 degrees in the house, real snow does not have a chance in that environment, let it go. And tinsel?  “Look at the Blue Spruce Timmy, you can tell it is a Blue Spruce by the stings of popcorn and gold and silver tinfoil on it!”

HOSTING PARTIES:  Kudos to all who entertain, bake and cook.  To let people, family and/or strangers, into your home is very generous.  I personally cringe at the thought of people in my abode mooching my grub/trashing my stuff.

BAKING:  I love eating the cookies but to me the “Cookie Exchange” is a forced labor induced get-together.  If I turn the oven on you can be sure it is for me to stick my head in to it, not to bake ginger bread men-

COOKING:  I eat out of plastic microwaveable dishes 364 days out of the year.  Spending the time, energy and money to buy food I am too lazy to cook myself is a big hang up for me and my table setting is usually over my kitchen sink.

 SHOPPING:  The old saying that “It is better to give than to receive” should be changed to “It is better to not stress out than to go into debt purchasing gifts just because.”  Remember “Peace and Love, Goodwill Towards Man”?  I am sure that Timmy and Sally’s faces, come Christmas morning, will be precious and worth all of those who were trampled or beat up in the process of getting “that perfect gift.” 

WRAPPING GIFTS:  I cannot spend any free time doing my best ORIGAMI on a gift when I know that the person I will be giving the gift to will thrash through it faster than they can say “Merry Christmas?

TRAVELING:  Why drive some obscene distance just to be reminded why you moved away in the first place?  Why do you think eggnog is only available around this time of year?  Because eggnog masks the taste and scent of almost any alcoholic beverage!   Holding a cup of “spiked” eggnog, to help cope with relatives, co-workers and strangers looks more sophisticated than holding a fifth of Barcardi*.

 *If you drink, DO NOT DRIVE: Those pretty red and white lights will not be coming from St. Nick; they will be coming from a squad car.

 There is more but I have to work on my list to Santa.

 Happy Holidays, including but not limited to Christmas, Hanukah and Kwanzaa or even Festivus for the rest of us!

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