Satan, Are You There? It’s Tom
The Bills are taking on the New England Patriots today. Joy. If there’s one team I absolutely hate, it’s the Pats.
I think a big part of this is because of one extremely satisfied man. He’s a man who, in his spare time, watches TV from the confines of his million-dollar home, fanning himself with wads of $100 bills.
And he laughs.
His perfect pearly whites sparkling from ear to ear. He’s got a great house. A knockout wife. Two sons. And a hefty paycheck.
That man is Tom Brady.
The only thing Tom Brady is missing is his soul, which he promptly sold to the devil before the 2001-02 season began. Since that devastating hit on my long-distance boyfriend, Drew Bledsoe, in Week 2 of that season, Tom Brady has been living large.
He’s won three Super Bowls. He’s been voted into five Pro Bowls. He’s an MVP. He holds several NFL records, including most touchdown passes in a single regular season. He and his team went 16-0 in the 2007-08 season. He’s been named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year.
He’s dated Hollywood starlets, such as Bridget Moynahan. And when he knocked her up, she bore him – what else – a son. A star athlete’s dream. But he decided that the lovely Moynahan wasn’t enough and dumped her (mind you, before the birth of their child) for Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen. Life was great for Tom.
But an undefeated season wasn’t enough. A son wasn’t enough. A supermodel wasn’t enough. And a trip to Super Bowl XLII wasn’t enough. Tom became restless. And Satan became angry.
Because Satan is an understanding guy (he may be the devil, but this was THE Tom Brady) he showed Tom his wrath by allowing the New York Giants to win the Super Bowl. Tom cried to the officials. He cried to the media. But it didn’t make him think or even thank the devil for his blessings. Tom became cockier. Satan didn’t like it.
And Satan doesn’t mess around.
To give him a much-needed wake up call, the devil delivered a blow in the form of a season-ending injury in Week 1 of the 2008-09 season.
“There. Now you have to sit and think about it,” the devil laughed (or so I’m told).
Luckily for him though, Matt Cassel had morals. And, apparently, a soul. Which meant the Patriots didn’t make the playoffs. Tom finally realized he better give Satan a nice, long massage on his little devil hoofs.
Soon after, Cassel went to Kansas City. Then Tom married his supermodel wife. And she bore him – you guessed it – a son. Now, in the 2010-11 season, the New England Patriots are the first team to claim a playoff spot.
Here’s hoping he makes Satan angry again soon.
At any rate, Mr. Brady, you should enjoy it while it lasts. For soon you’ll be slaving away in the pits of hell. Mwahahahaha.
By Jillian Benedict