Ryan Lochte — America’s Most Attractive Idiot
Dear Ryan Lochte,
Please stick to swimming and being ridiculously attractive. The men and women of this nation are begging you. You've proven yourself as an incredibly talented Olympic athlete, and you've proven yourself...well, uh, physically. So let’s just keep it at that, shall we?
For those not closely following the exploits of the Team USA swimmer, here's a little backstory. Lochte finished the 2012 Summer Olympics with five medals: two gold, two silver and one bronze. He gave Michael Phelps a run for his money and the ladies something to drool over.
But Lochte also has other “talents” that he’s trying to market. When he’s not intensely training or winking at the camera, he pursues other endeavors like collecting shoes, designing fashion and being a bling enthusiast. He also apparently goes by “The Lochentator” and considers himself to be an artist.
Lochte is also a romantic. He bragged to Women’s Health in a recent interview that he winks, rather than stares, at girls to “keep them thinking” and thinks a woman looks sexiest in one of his long-sleeved button-down shirts.
I’m swooning! Or maybe just rolling my eyes; I can’t tell.
Lochte also inquired to ESPN earlier this summer:
Is there a decent girl out there who doesn't lie? They all lie. They're all evil. I just want to meet someone who is real, who is honest. Who doesn't just want me for money or fame, who wants to love me as a person.
Like I said Ryan, you’ve proven yourself as an Olympic gold medalist and as a less-than-two-percent-body-fat-haver, but must you prove yourself as a d-bag, too? I guess we can’t expect someone to swim as much as you do without some water leaking into your brain.
It’s OK, Ry, we’ll still appreciate your athletic talent and six-pack. But that won’t stop us from dubbing you one of America’s most attractive idiots.