Japan, you confuse us so. First you tell us about Pepsi Special, which actually makes you lose weight. Today we find out that Burger King Japan offers an all-you-can-eat deal. What do you want from us?! Stop with the mixed messages!

The promotion, which is in celebration of the fifth anniversary of BK's return to Japan, runs until the end of the month. For the price of a regular meal deal you also get a 30 minute run at all the burgers, fries and onion rings you can eat. Take that, heart, you stupid organ.

While the half-hour time limit shields Burger King from sudden bankruptcy, it also promotes the type of reckless speed eating that could result in stomach tears and people embarrassing themselves by choking to death at a Burger King.

Pepsi Special won't be coming to America because the FDA bans nutritional supplements in soda. All-you-can-eat Burger King probably won't either, because look at us for Pete's sake. We would destroy that entire corporation with our insatiable hunger for flame-broiled sandwiches.