Jack FM’s Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse
No one really seems all that concerned about the world potentially ending tomorrow (December 21), which I guess isn’t very surprising considering that doomsday has cried wolf before. And when you think about it, we seem to be putting A-L-O-T-T-T of trust in a group of people that didn’t even own iPhones. For all we know, when it came time for the Mayans to make the calendar for the New Year, maybe they were just like, “Screw it, man. We literally have had no meetings scheduled for like, 50 years, who cares what day it is!”
However, there is that one tiny sliver of doubt…that “what if” notion that the world could end and you could end up being that one idiot left standing in the crater where the asteroid struck. What if the predictions are right? I mean…they’re probably not. But, what if they are? WHAT IF THEY ARE? W h a t i f t h e y a r e.
So, to save you from the embarrassment of being unprepared in the event that the world does indeed, end, here’s a very handy guide that you can print out, stick in your pocket and refer to tomorrow. This is, of course, assuming you haven’t already been eaten by zombies, abducted by aliens, washed away in a flood, saved by Jesus, etc. etc.
1. Pack a Bag
Have a backpack ready to go. Fill it with obvious things, like batteries, flashlights, non-perishable goods, water, gum, chapstick, pictures of your family, hair ties, gummy bears, tampons, your porn collection, etc. Keep it with you all day, and if the world DOESN’T end, at least you’ll be fully entertained for your commute home from work.
2. Study Up
You have approximately one more day of electricity, which is plenty of time to watch or re-watch movies like The Road, 2012, 28 Days Later, The Day After Tomorrow, I Am Legend and other dystopian films for some tips/strategies. Also, make sure to re-watch Babe (because it’s the most adorable movie ever, and this is, like, last time you’ll get to watch it).
3. Choose Which Family Member You’d Turn on First
You might as well decide this today while you have some free time. Tomorrow, you might be too busy trying to not become a zombie. Pick a family member. Maybe even let them know ahead of time so it’s not so awkward when you announce after six weeks without food that you’re going to eat them.
4. Practice Your “I Swear I’m Still Human” Face
Just in case you are questioned by your fellow survivors. Do your best to cover up any bite marks and/or tentacles if you are lying.
5. Buy Condoms
There’s a chance that you’ll get lonely post-apocalypse, but this is no time to be careless. Even if you can score one of those cool jogging strollers from an abandoned department store, infants will totally blow your cover when you’re hiding from aliens or whatever. So, unless you plan to use your daughter/son as bait, I’d suggest waiting to rebuild the human race until you can get your ish together.
6. Find Liam Neeson
Because he’s obviously going to survive, too.
7. Stock Up On Alcohol
Do you know how insanely long and boring post-apocalyptic life is going to be? It’s going to be like watching a Kiera Knightly movie, only worse. Alcohol will be your only savior, my friend, so raid the liquor stores.
8. Play What You Want
Because Jack FM will be probs be dead.
Tomorrow at this time we could be be back at our boring day jobs complaining that our annoying coworkers ate our yogurt again. Or, we could be complaining that our annoying coworkers are eating OUR BODIES because they’ll be the walking dead. Just to be safe, you better go print this now before you forget. Good luck! And if you happen to see me post-apocalypse, I’ll def be down to trade some of my valuables for Twinkies (just FYI).