Jack FM’s Guide to Selecting the Perfect Horror Movie
Hi, my name is Alyssa, and I’m a horror movie snob.
Very few movies truly scare me, but a lot of them entertain me. For example, have you seen Cabin in the Woods? That movie was great. Sure, it was tacky and comical, but at least it was original and unique. But then there are completely bland, cliché movies, like Orphan, where you just want to be like, “Uh, maybe you shouldn’t have adopted the CREEPIEST GIRL IN THE ROOM, who’s dressed like she’s from the 1800s and painting disturbing pictures in the corner all by herself.”
But even though I’m a snob, I can appreciate and respect that not everyone has the same taste as me (that’s soooo big of me, right?!). So, I’ve created a guide to help you choose what horror movie is best for you this Halloween.
The Slasher. If you’re the type of person who likes cheap thrills (i.e., rollercoasters, jumping out of planes), then you should probably go the slasher route. These types of movies completely lack substance and storyline, so if people insist on talking in the theater, it’s OK because you aren’t going to miss much. Each one of them is practically the same, and it’s fun to guess which dumb blonde with the fake boobs is going to go first. Some of my favorite slashers are Scream, Joy Ride, When a Stranger Calls and, of course, every single one of the Halloween movies.
Gore-Fest. Personally, I’m not a fan of gory films — especially ones that emphasize torture and mutilation. I hardly ever watch them because who needs images like that in her head? I’m referring to movies like Saw, The Hills Have Eyes, Hostel, The Human Centipede, etc. Anyway, I guess you can watch one of those if you’re a sick and twisted weirdo or whatever (I mean that in the most respectful way possible).
Creepy Little Kids. If you’ve ever been alone with a child and just CASUALLY brushed his hair aside to check for any suspicious markings that may resemble a “666,” then this category is for you. Children in horror films are the best villains because they’re super scary but also tug at your heartstrings by crying for their moms just as they’re about to be killed. Some great creepy little kid horror films are The Omen, The Ring, Poltergeist, The Exorcist and Village of the Damned.
The Devil/Possession. This is kind of a crossover genre from the previous, as the reason a lot kids are creepy in horror films is because they’re possessed by demons. But don’t worry! Adults can get possessed, too. These kinds of films are best if you’re into head-spinning, body contortion, young girls with potty mouths and the battle between good and evil. Some good ones to have on your shelf (or in your Netflix queue) are The Exorcist (again), The Omen (again), The Seventh Sign, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Stigmata and The Last Exorcism.
Monster/Creature. This category is strictly for people who still turn on 15 lights when they wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Or you may fit into this genre if you’re like me and are deathly afraid of clowns, porcelain dolls, marionettes, gnomes, trolls and other figurines that you’re 99 percent sure won’t come to life — but you’re 100 percent sure that you could be wrong. Some of my favorites are Magic, Nightmare on Elm Street, People Under the Stairs, The Descent, 28 Days Later and The Thing.
Psychological. If you’re the kind of person who enjoys murder mysteries or trying to figure out an ending before everyone else, then this type of movie is for you. The psychological horror film not only has the “spit your drink all over the person next to you” factor, but it also screws with your brain weeks after you’ve watched it. Some of my personal recommendations are Session 9 (one of my favs ever), Silence of the Lambs, Jacob’s Ladder and The Mothman Prophecies.
Paranormal/Hauntings. A good ghost story can make you want to curl up in the fetal position and question the human existence. If you believe in the afterlife, or you’re the kind of person who hears a noise upstairs and automatically gets out a Ouija board, then you probably belong in this category. There are SO many ghost stories out there, but few are really worth watching. These are some of my top favorite ghost/haunting stories of all time: The Changeling, Amityville Horror, Paranormal Activity, The Others, The Shining and Insidious.