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Jack FM’s Guide to Feeling Comfortable in Your Bathing Suit

swimsuits
Scott Barbour, Getty Images

Well, it’s that time of year again. Er, it’s been that time of year for about a month and a half. But we still have about another month and a half of that time of year left. What I’m saying is that it’s still bathing suit season, and we can’t hide behind our over-sized Christmas sweaters just yet. Plus, it’s been hotter than usual in Buffalo this summer, so chances are, you’re going to have to flaunt what you’ve got before the season comes to an end.

For that reason, I’ve created a solid guide on how to feel totally badass in your bod so you can step out on to the beach with the confidence of this guy.

Step 1. Buy a bathing suit that actually covers the parts of your body that the gym did not (as Bridget Jones would say, your “wobbly bits”). They make suits for all body types now, whether you’re pear-shaped, triangle-shaped or just shapes.

Step 2. Get a tan. Jack FM doesn’t condone skin cancer, so maybe just apply some self-tanning lotion to distract from potential cellulite.

Step 3. Keep a pair of sunglasses handy because when you’re wearing them, no one else can see you.

Step 4. Wear sunscreen. Because we all know what happens if you don’t.

Step 5. Buy a beach chair with multiple reclining settings. That way, you can spend the entire afternoon slouching and pretending you have a flat stomach. Everyone looks better horizontally than they do vertically, so the key to feeling really comfortable is to just never stand up.

Step 6. If you’re a woman, cover-ups are totally in right now. They’re so common that you can basically just wrap yourself in a sheet and pass as normal. If you’re a guy, sorry, but this step may not apply to you. Please focus on Step 5.

Step 7. When Justin, the frat boy from the party next to you, strolls up with his Matthew McConaughey hair, eight-pack stomach and surfboard arms to ask if you want to play volleyball, SAY NO! Gravity isn’t kind to those human beings with more than two percent body fat who choose to jump in the air. Just stay in your chair and finish reading 50 Shades of Grey.

Step 8. The final step — and what some believe should be the first — to having all the bathing suit confidence in the world is … alcohol. And lots of it.

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