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Jack FM’s Guide to Avoiding Sick Coworkers

uzi978/Flickr
uzi978/Flickr

How are you not dead yet? Seriously, with all of the flu and sickness going around, you are probably sitting one foot away from the Ebola virus right now.

They’re giving flu shots out like candy, and it’s for good reason. Apparently, five people just started vomiting at Wal-Mart in a town outside of Pittsburgh. Even the guys who showed up in HazMat suits didn’t know why, and some suspect it was a strange disease outbreak (or zombie apocalypse?).

In case you don’t have enough vacation time to lock yourself in your basement for six weeks or so, here are some ways to avoid getting sick in the workplace.

1. Spray Your Coworkers With Lysol

Just spray them down every morning from top to bottom. They will most likely yell things at you like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” or “ARE YOU CRAZY?!” to which you can respond, “If you don’t sit still, I will duct tape you to this chair.”

2. Wrap Yourself in Saran Wrap

It sounds excessive, but if you are literally covered in plastic, germs will have a hard time getting to you. So will significant others, so I hope you’re OK with being single for a while.

3. Blunt Objects

Always have a blunt object nearby in the event that one of your coworkers coughs without covering their mouth. If this situation occurs, take your blunt object (i.e., stapler, paperweight, coffee mug), and throw it directly at the culprit. Remember, the goal is to just knock them unconscious or something, not KILL them. You’re not crazy! Plus, the flu will probably go ahead and take care of that for you.

4. Helpful Reminders

Put up those extremely helpful “Remember to wash your hands!” signs because you know people really, really pay attention to them. I wasn’t going to wash my hands, but I saw this sign, and now I am! And if you catch someone disobeying your sign, please refer to step no. 1.

5. Stay Out of Coworker’s Candy Jars

This is a tough one. I KNOW how much you love helping yourself to handfuls of M&Ms all day, every day, but do you know how many germs are in there?! A lot. More than the amount of calories, even.

6. Disregard Step No. 5.

What is life without M&Ms? Personally, if I were to die from the flu, I’d want it to be for my love of chocolate.

Where to Get a Flu Shot in Buffalo (in Case You Don't Like Our Advice)

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