First Dates Suck.

I had the “pleasure” of sitting next to a couple on their first date recently. It made my stomach churn. In just 30 minutes, I was able to compile the following list on what NOT to do on a first date.

Please note: I’m not making this up.

- Don’t bathe in warm vanilla sugar. You smell like a stripper.
- Don’t play air guitar, air drums or any other air instrument, especially while your date is trying to tell you something about herself.
- Don’t sing. Don’t sing in falsetto.
- By no means bring up your webfoot. Or your ingrown toenail. How about don’t talk about feet. Ever.
- Financial and investment portfolio talk? No, thank you.
- Please don’t heckle the bartender because your date’s margarita sucks.
- Never talk to the bartender in Spanish just because you ordered a margarita.
- Let your date finish her sentence. Just one sentence!
- Never say anything that begins with “Let me be honest with you.”
- No one wants to hear anything about your baby’s mama, child support and custody battles. I promise.
- And last, but certainly not least, don’t bring up the size of your “member.” No one cares how big—or small—it is. If you have to tell her “Yes, it’s true. I have the Irish curse,” then you should probably just pay your tab and go home to a bottle of lotion.