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First Dates Suck.


I had the “pleasure” of sitting next to a couple on their first date recently. It made my stomach churn. In just 30 minutes, I was able to compile the following list on what NOT to do on a first date.

Please note: I’m not making this up.

– Don’t bathe in warm vanilla sugar. You smell like a stripper.
– Don’t play air guitar, air drums or any other air instrument, especially while your date is trying to tell you something about herself.
– Don’t sing. Don’t sing in falsetto.
– By no means bring up your webfoot. Or your ingrown toenail. How about don’t talk about feet. Ever.
– Financial and investment portfolio talk? No, thank you.
– Please don’t heckle the bartender because your date’s margarita sucks.
– Never talk to the bartender in Spanish just because you ordered a margarita.
– Let your date finish her sentence. Just one sentence!
– Never say anything that begins with “Let me be honest with you.”
– No one wants to hear anything about your baby’s mama, child support and custody battles. I promise.
– And last, but certainly not least, don’t bring up the size of your “member.” No one cares how big—or small—it is. If you have to tell her “Yes, it’s true. I have the Irish curse,” then you should probably just pay your tab and go home to a bottle of lotion.

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