10 Disgusting Beers You Should Never, Ever Try
When we decided to do a list of the 10 worst beers ever, we were kind of excited -- drinking on the job sounds like an awesome idea. Then we spent the next two days sampling every beer we've ever heard was kind of gross. You have to give us some credit for our serious and thorough approach to research -- we're committed. It stopped feeling like such a stellar idea when we woke up with massive hangovers in an Arby’s bathroom, reeking of malt liquor and roast beef sandwiches. We collected our personal items, including the results of our painful research: a vomit-soaked list of the worst beers we have ever tasted. We left that Arby’s bathroom ready to face the world. We also left because the Arby’s manager threatening to call the police. For your consideration, here are 10 beers that we've tried and hated, so you never have to. Don't say we didn't warn you.
Fun Fact: What do Tupac and The Notorious B.I.G have in common other than a well-publicized rivalry? They were both spokesmen for St. Ides High Gravity Malt Liquor. Why on earth would anyone want to consume a mint flavored malt liquor? We imagine it’s for the low life who wants to get drunk then drive. Most times, though, it's the whole weaving through traffic thing that gets you a DUI, not your breath.
Champale is the malt liquor for stupid people who have dumb friends. The Champale website explains that Champale uses yeast that is traditionally used for wine fermentation giving it a similar flavor profile as champagne. Anybody who would buy a malt liquor because it uses the same yeast as champagne should come see us. We're selling a 1997 Hyundai Accent that uses the same anti-freeze as a Ferrari. It's basically a Ferrari.
Schlitz, Schaefer and Schmidt’s. All three of these beers are brewed by the Pabst Brewing Company, and they are all pretty similar to PBR. Each one of these beers was founded in the late 1800s and is marketed to trick hipsters into thinking that they are still made by a regional, family-owned beer company. Stupid hipsters, every one of these beers is owned by billionaire investor C. Dean Metropoulus. We went to a bar that had all three of these beers for $2 a can. we were excited; nothing gets us pumped like getting drunk on a budget. Each one of these beers had the same flavor profile, tastes like nothing when ice cold and immediately taste like the liquid that collects at the bottom of a recycling bin when it reaches one degree above ice cold. These beers taste like schit.
7/11 sells a ton of beer. One day some genius at their corporate office thought that if they made their own beer they could make more money and thus, Game Day Beer became a beautiful reality. We have to admit we bought into the idea of a cheap beer exclusive to our favorite convenience store with a sweet sport reference for a name. What we forgot is that this beer is produced from the same store chain that makes the worst chicken wings, taquitos, pizza and churros. Game Day Beer shares one quality with all the products just mentioned. It is always stale.
Budweiser & Clamato Chelada is Anheuser Busch’s attempt at mass marketing a Michelada. A Michelada is a hangover cure of Mexican origin -- a mixture of beer, spices, a mixer (hot sauce, Clamato, teriyaki, soy or Worcestershire sauce) and sometimes peppers. Anheuser Busch decided to get into the Mexican hangover cure game with Budweiser & Clamato Chelada. They start with Bud heavy, which is like drinking a brick, then add Clamato, spices and “natural lime flavor”. The result? Clamato is disgusting. It is literally a mixture of the juice of a tomato and the juice of an animal. The only acceptable juices are orange and cranberry. End of discussion.
Mississippi Mud Black and Tan beer is off-putting from first sight. First off, the container looks like a jug used in the percussion section of an Appalachian jam band. The name of this beer is Mississippi Mud, which leads us to believe that the makers of this beer want you to equate their beer with swamp mud. Smart! A traditional black and tan is all about presentation; a black and tan is made when one takes a pint glass and fills it halfway with either a pale lager or ale then one slowly pours a stout or porter over an upside down spoon, separating the two beers making for an impressive presentation. Mississippi Mud Black and Tan takes all the pageantry out of the a traditional black and tan by ignoring the process and just throwing a porter and lager into the same container and calling it a black and tan. Uncool.
We like the routine of going to a bar, ordering a shot of tequila, licking the salt, taking the shot, biting into a lime and finishing with a refreshing swig of beer. Tequiza was Anheuser Busch’s attempt at consolidating that glorious routine into one step. The step turns out to be drinking a beer infused with non-alcoholic rail tequila flavoring and artificial lime juice. Some things just need more than one step.
Drinking Zima conjures memories of the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. For those of you who aren’t history buffs, the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand lead to Austria-Hungry declaring war on Serbia, which consequently led to World War I. Zima lead to the production of Smirnoff Ice, Smirnoff Ice led to the 'bros icing bros' phenomenon, which can lead to being “iced” six times in two hours (this really happened to one of us.) World War I and being “iced” may sound different to you, but war is hell, and so are chalk-white, highly carbonated malt beverages. Also, Zima tasted like a five-year-old ground up Smarties and dumped them into a can of Sprite.
The large American breweries are masters of marketing; they weigh the marketing implications of every decision they make. This is what makes them so successful. It is also the reason why they create some of the most questionable beers ever to hit the market. Instead of trying to develop a new great tasting beer like nothing else on the market, the large breweries want to grab existing market share. Anheuser World Select was Anheuser Busch attempt to grab some market share from Heineken. That’s right, Anheuser Busch knowingly brewed a beer that taste like Heineken, a beer that tastes like licking a brass pipe covered in skunked beer.
Guinness Draught is a lot like the first trilogy of the Star Wars franchise. There was nothing out there in the beer world quite like it. It has a devoted fan base that will fight you to the death if you argue that anything is better than their Guinness Draught. The Guinness Brewery then decided to come out with Guinness Black Lager, the Phantom Menace of the Guinness Brewery. Both Phantom Menace and Guinness Black Lager resemble the original but really just leave you yearning for the classic.