Today is Father’s Day! And in honor of all fathers out there, I’d like to share a list I’ve made. Similar to my Mother’s Day “Dumb Things Moms Say,” here are some doozies I’ve heard from various dads over my lifetime:

- I used to walk up hill – in the snow – both ways – to and from school

- (To a teenager) You can drink, but if you smoke, I’ll kill you

- If you ever get pregnant, I’ll kill you

- You need to have a job. Get a job. Except when I come to visit, then you need to take off work. Tell them it’s OK, because your dad is visiting. They’ll understand.

- “Swimming pool” is only spelled with one M

- Your friend is hot

- I was at your dance recital. I just sat in the back. The very back.

- (To daughter) I’ve always wanted a son

- You need a computer for college? OK, I’ll get you a necklace.

- I really love those Chinese schmorgashboard restaurants (Yes, the misspelling is intentional)

Happy Father’s Day!