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A Vampire’s Guide to Getting Back on the Dating Scene

MzScarlett, Flickr

Twi-hards had their twi-hearts twi-broken when “trampire” Kristen Stewart cheated on longtime boyfriend Robert Pattinson. I wasn’t there, but I heard K. Stew’s apology went something like, “Uh…er um…like…like, totally,” and R. Patt’s response was something like, “We, uh….eh…bee bop-bop tiddly boop,” and then they stared at each other for a long, awkward period of time.

The media went crazy over this story, and some of my favorite headlines include, “Will Kristen Stewart Ever Smile Again?” “Rob Pattinson Wants ‘Man to Man’ Chat With Rupert Sanders” and “Charlize Theron ‘Fuming’“. And let’s not forget that this happened.

However, this whole scandal seems to have brought forth a very interesting point that the media has completely missed out on: What’s a vamp to do after he’s been duped?

So, to help out our favorite blood-suckers on the rebound (i.e., Edward Cullen and Bill Compton), here are 10 dating tips to get them back out there and finding new ladies to obsess over with while sparkling in the sunlight and having extremely great hair.

  1. Don’t ever say the phrase, “Hold on tight, spider monkey.”
  2. You can’t go wrong with a serenade.
  3. Don’t invite her to go coffin shopping with you.
  4. Never say, “When I was your age…” condescendingly and then reference something from the War of 1812.
  5. Maybe don’t bang your sister.
  6. If a girl asks you what your favorite food is, don’t just be like, “O Negative.” Try something a little more human-friendly. Like pizza.
  7. At least pretend that you sleep so that she doesn’t wake up to you creepy staring at her.
  8. Try not to talk endlessly how much you hate dogs.
  9. Don’t make your Facebook status something like “soooo sick of being dead for a decade lol”
  10. Don’t just run up a tree to get out of an argument.

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