As we creep closer and closer towards 2012 we inevitably start reflecting upon our annual achievements and/or shortcomings of the past year. You have once again successfully dodged getting a DWI or knocking up a Chip-strip floozy, so now it is time to thank your lucky stars and focus on bettering yourself once again. If you cannot think of one single resolution to make yourself a better human being I will do the work for you. Here are 5 suggestions:

  • 5

    Stop texting so much!

    Quite possibly the world’s most annoying personal trait, no one likes “the non-stop texter”. Who is the non-stop texter even texting? No one would be friends with someone that is looking down at their phone in every conceivable social situation. I honestly believe that 90% of America has developed a social phobia and are pretending to be doing important things on their tiny phones just to shirk any possible head to head contact with other human beings. Grow up, put your phone down for a little while and text someone with your always sends.

  • 4


    Here is a crazy concept that people have a hard time grasping. Instead of going on a lemon juice with cayenne pepper and celery diet for 2 weeks then gaining back all the weight you pooped out the second you eat a normal meal, try this extremely effective weight loss idea with 100% results. EXERCISE DUMMY!!! You can still eat a Jim’s Steak sub and/or a Coldstone Cookie and Cream Milkshake every once in a while. Take a couple laps around your neighborhood every once in a while and your miracle diet of eating whatever you normally eat will start taking effect. It really is quite amazing.

  • 3

    Learn To Do Something You Can Teach Your Children

    Unless you want the only redeeming qualities you possess to bestow onto your children being the innate ability to update your Facebook status while parallel parking, or opening up a Smirnoff Ice with your teeth, learn something worthwhile. The Internet can teach you how to do literally ANYTHING you could possible want to learn how to do. Learn how to play piano. Learn how to build a log cabin. Learn how to sail. Learn how to lasso an Ox. Learn how to make homemade tortellini. If my father could build me a log cabin after lassoing an ox on an island he sailed to then cook the ox with homemade tortellini and play the piano until I fell asleep; I’m pretty damn sure I would know he was the greatest man on the planet.

  • 2

    Spend More Time With Your Family

    Yes, I know, your families are crazy and annoying and want to punch each other in the face on a regular basis. You just described 99.9% of families in America. The ones you have to watch out for are the ones that act like the Brady Bunch. Those are the types of families that behind closed doors are making homemade bombs out of oven cleaner and tennis balls while dancing around in leopard print thongs wearing old time hockey masks and maniacally cackling. Believe me I have seen it, it is NOT pretty. No matter how many friends come and go out of your life your family will always be there for you. Blah Blah Blah you have heard it all before, but here is something you haven’t heard. The worst feeling you can have is regret about time you could have spent with the people you love. Take advantage every day you can.

  • 1

    Donate Your Time/Money

    I am a major offender of complaining about money/bills and lack of financial resources to do all the things I would like to do with my life, but every once in a while something will happen to change your perspective on things. Again I feel myself slipping into a cliché, less fortunate people… and how lucky we are… and so forth and what not. When you see people sleeping on the streets with newspapers for blankets and you realize that you complained that Santa brought you last year’s line of North Face jacket you have to feel like a gigantic tool. Usually people’s first thought when someone asks you for money is “get a job you lazy slob”. I agree there are a lot of people that take advantage of other people’s charity, but there are also a large number of people on the streets because of mental illness or addiction. Remember not everyone was given the same opportunities that you were. The New Year is a great time to realize how lucky you are and how much time you have to try to help others.