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5 Guys Who’d Make the Worst Boyfriend Ever

broken heart
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He doesn’t pay attention to you. He’s controlling. He forgets Valentine’s Day. He cheats. Oh-em-gee, your boyfriend sucks!

But I bet he doesn’t suck as bad as these guys (ranked from best to worst).

Worst Boyfriend Ever #5: The Guy Without Chivalry. As if there wasn’t enough gloom in Aurora, Colo., these past couple of weeks, James Taranto, an editor at The Wall Street Journal, brazenly tweeted to his 15,000 followers that he hoped the girls who survived the tragedy due to heroic efforts of their boyfriends, were “worth it.”

Taranto would be the Worst Boyfriend Ever because he’s less likely to rescue you from a tower surrounded by dragons and more likely to use you as a human shield.

Worst Boyfriend Ever #4: The Guy Who Wants 100 Kids. This man only has two working appendages below the waist, and one of them isn’t a leg. The one-legged, 60-year-old father of 78 — yes, you read that right — wants to be the daddy to a total of 100 children by 2015.

He would be the Worst Boyfriend Ever because most of us women would like to keep our lady parts intact. Plus, none of us want to star in TLC’s next series, “Abdul, Jon and Kate Plus 8 Who Moved in With the Duggars, Octomom and Brangelina” (it airs every Monday at 8 p.m. EST).

Worst Boyfriend Ever #3: The Guy Who’s Not Interested. Jafar (you know, from Aladdin) has been hiding behind that red cloak of lies for a little too long. It’s not his obsessive desire for power, his weird, wiry goatee thing or how he was EXTREMELY RUDE to Aladdin that would make him the Worst Boyfriend Ever. It’s because we have a very suspicious feeling that he’s a friend of Dorothy. A little light in the loafers. He bats for the other team.

Jafar, you’d make the worst boyfriend ever, but only for a lady. Because you’re interested in men. Also, dude, your parrot is a dead giveaway.

Worst Boyfriend Ever #2: The Guy Who’s a Straight-Up Moron. A lot of things can happen while you’re drunk that you may not remember (or so I’ve heard), but would you forget that you were SHOT IN THE HEAD? After five years of recurring head pain, this man decided to get it checked out. The doctors discovered a bullet lodged in his skull, to which the man said that he somewhat recalled being SHOT IN THE HEAD a few years ago at a New Year’s party but wasn’t positive because he was very drunk.

Ladies, if he didn’t remember getting shot in the head, he’s definitely not going to remember your anniversary.

Worst Boyfriend Ever #1: The Guy Who Might Eat Your Face. Rudy Eugene gets the top Worst Boyfriend Ever honor because, well, he ate a person’s face. That’s pretty much all the reason you need to not date him.

Plus, he’s dead now, and I’m pretty sure a ghost would be the worst boyfriend ever, too.

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