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25 Times You Might Want to Poison Yourself

poison sign
shawnzrossi, Flickr

According to a recent news story, a man allegedly poisoned himself to avoid a court sentence. The guy didn’t want to go to jail, so what did he do? Oh, you know, popped a few homemade cyanide pills and called it a day…or, uh, a life.

Ultimately, this was a sad story, because the man did die. And while suicide still isn’t cool and never will be, it did get me wondering about some things that, in theory, would be a heck of a lot easier to deal with if, I don’t know, you were unconscious on the floor. Again, I’m not insinuating that anyone should jump off of a bridge when the going gets tough; I’m just saying that it’s too bad there isn’t an auto-eject button for when we want to peace out of a situation we don’t feel like dealing with. Or a maybe a life-friendly cyanide pill that would put us into a temporary coma so we could wake to the eradication of whatever it was we didn’t feel like dealing with.

So, for poops and giggles, I thought of some times in life when you might just want to close your eyes and make it all go away (but come back alive, please).

  1. Sentenced to 16 years in jail (obvs).
  2. Bad hair day. Like, Nicholas Cage in Drive Angry bad.
  3. Parents ask, “When are you going to move out?”
  4. Dairy Queen is closed.
  5. Two-hour staff meeting.
  6. Cat’s litter box needs cleaning.
  7. Too hot outside.
  8. Ran into someone from high school.
  9. No one liked your Facebook status.
  10. Put jeans in the dryer.
  11. Brand new box of Lucky Charms, no milk.
  12. Accidentally butt-dialed “Doug from bar” in your phone.
  13. Rush hour traffic.
  14. Ate a box of Girl Scout cookies. Discovered calorie content.
  15. Rented The Last Song.
  16. Left grocery list at home.
  17. Ingrown hair.
  18. Centipede in shower.
  19. Dropped phone in toilet, no insurance (or rice).
  20. Lactose intolerant.
  21. Netflix DVD scratched.
  22. Girlfriend asks, “Do I look fat?”
  23. Boyfriend says, “Yes.”
  24. Coworker caught you Googling “office crush.”
  25. Forgot to listen to Jack FM all day every day.

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