25 Times You Might Want to Poison Yourself
According to a recent news story, a man allegedly poisoned himself to avoid a court sentence. The guy didn’t want to go to jail, so what did he do? Oh, you know, popped a few homemade cyanide pills and called it a day…or, uh, a life.
Ultimately, this was a sad story, because the man did die. And while suicide still isn’t cool and never will be, it did get me wondering about some things that, in theory, would be a heck of a lot easier to deal with if, I don’t know, you were unconscious on the floor. Again, I’m not insinuating that anyone should jump off of a bridge when the going gets tough; I’m just saying that it’s too bad there isn’t an auto-eject button for when we want to peace out of a situation we don’t feel like dealing with. Or a maybe a life-friendly cyanide pill that would put us into a temporary coma so we could wake to the eradication of whatever it was we didn’t feel like dealing with.
So, for poops and giggles, I thought of some times in life when you might just want to close your eyes and make it all go away (but come back alive, please).
- Sentenced to 16 years in jail (obvs).
- Bad hair day. Like, Nicholas Cage in Drive Angry bad.
- Parents ask, “When are you going to move out?”
- Dairy Queen is closed.
- Two-hour staff meeting.
- Cat’s litter box needs cleaning.
- Too hot outside.
- Ran into someone from high school.
- No one liked your Facebook status.
- Put jeans in the dryer.
- Brand new box of Lucky Charms, no milk.
- Accidentally butt-dialed “Doug from bar” in your phone.
- Rush hour traffic.
- Ate a box of Girl Scout cookies. Discovered calorie content.
- Rented The Last Song.
- Left grocery list at home.
- Ingrown hair.
- Centipede in shower.
- Dropped phone in toilet, no insurance (or rice).
- Lactose intolerant.
- Netflix DVD scratched.
- Girlfriend asks, “Do I look fat?”
- Boyfriend says, “Yes.”
- Coworker caught you Googling “office crush.”
- Forgot to listen to Jack FM all day every day.