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10 Free Things You Should Say “No” To

free stuff sign
Alan O'Rourke, Flickr

People love freebies, and here at Jack FM, we’re no different. You’ve seen our Freeloaders page, right? Getting something for free is great because we feel like we’re getting away with something — even if that “something” is just another non-working pen, XXXL t-shirt or other worthless item you’ll try to re-gift at Christmas.

They (those people that say things) even say that the best things in life are free. Well, that may be true for some free things, but here are 10 things about which is probably isn’t.

1. Free Trials. “If you sign up for our 30-day trial, you get a free Subway foot-long!” says a man holding a clipboard. Blinded by the potential Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki, you find yourself filling out forms, providing a credit card number that you don’t remember to cancel in 30 days and being left with monthly payments of $19.95 for a year. This ends up being a very, very expensive lunch.

2. Free Toilet Seats. Sure they’re in “working condition,” but do you really want these in your bathroom after multiple unfamiliar butts used to sit on them? You should probably just go ahead and shell out the cash on this one.

3. Free Falling. It doesn’t cost anything to throw yourself off of a building, but stay away from this. The falling part doesn’t even last that long! Also, you die at the end.

4. Free Chick-fil-A. Because you’re better than this.

5. Free Giveaways. You and your friends find yourselves at an expo that you don’t even care about. But with several arm sweeps, you still make sure to wipe vendor tables clean of their free miscellaneous giveaways, leaving you with more useless crap to toss in your garage. Next thing you know, you’re on TLC’s Hoarders, and an emergency crew comes to dig you out of a pile of plastic keychains.

6. This song. ‘Nuff said.

7. Free Online Dating. If you’re looking for something other than sex or being murdered, you may want to consider sparing a few bucks for a classier site to avoid people like this, this or this.

8. Free Advice. UGH! Because Kelly, like, totally doesn’t get what you’re going through, and if you, like, want to keep talking to Scott even though you caught him in bed with that slut from Erik’s party, then you totally should because what does Kelly know, she’s married.

9. ericsfreesite.com. Because why does Eric have so much free stuff?

10. Free Kittens. Please re-read no. 5 re: Hoarders and apply it here. Only instead of pulling you out of a pile of keychains, this time it will be cats. And instead of friends, it will just be cats.

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