Can't get laid? Then sell your virginity on the Internet!

Or maybe not because that's the worst idea ever?

Now, not one but TWO Brazilian women have tried to auction off their virginity online with an unfortunate amount of success (fortunate for them, unfortunate for the rest of us with, like, moral standards). The first girl looking for love a One-Night-Stand-With-a-Side-of-Regret-And-Possible-Herpes-And-Or-Syphilis-I-Could-Go-On-But-You-Get-The-Point was 20-year-old Catarina Migliorini, whose final v-card bid came to a whopping $780,000.

Obviously, it wasn't long before another wholesome girl, like Rebecca Bernardo, would try to follow suit, hoping to have the same success. Unfortunately for her, she's only up to a measly $35,000.

Have fun with those STDs and unwanted pregnancies, ladies! Good luck to you. And while I'm discussing people who are smart and responsible, here are nine other imbeciles trying to cash out on their crazy:

9. College Student Sells His Soul

You can never have enough of these, ya know? And this one was hardly used! For only $400, the highest bidder got a deal if you ask me.

8. Man Sells His Imaginary Friend

Talk about a stab in the back! Apparently "Best Friends Forever" didn't mean anything to this 27-year-old man because he tried to sell off his pal at $3,082.15. BUT, he was kind enough to mention that the shipping was free.

7. Giant Cheeto For Sale

FINALLY, something I'd be interested in buying! A man found a giant Cheeto in his son's bag and decided to put it up for sale.

6. Scarlett Johansson's Used Tissue

Scarlett's tissue sold for $5,300. A total STEAL if you ask me.

5. American Raccoon Penis Bone Necklace

Goes great with an opossum skin handbag and beaver tooth nose ring!

(P.S. Because of this item, my Google search history now looks like this.)

4. Virgin Mary Toast

For $28,000, this is possibly the most expensive food in the world.

3. Vampire Killing Kit

OK, I don't really think this is crazy, it's just practical. And thankfully, there are a lot available.

2. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's Breath (in a Bottle, Obvs)

It makes a great birthday gift! And for $530, it's yours!

1. Living Ad Space

Confused? Picture a walking advertisement -- a living, breathing advertisement -- a human billboard, if you will. Skinvertising is apparently a thing now and can be used for causes you believe in.